i think you should laugh

Some of my favorite Mitch Hedburg quotes. I wish I was funny.

"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that."

"Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says, right on the bottle, 'Do not have more than 2.' Well then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself. Let me have 10 Advil. I got a sweet tooth."

I have had that same thought about Advil. Also, chewable Flintstones vitamins.

To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"

When i tried to give blood the questions were similar. Have you ever done any drugs was folllowed by, "Have you ever had sex with a man who has had sex with a man?" How would I know that? If my boyfriend is having sex with other men, he is not telling me.

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
"If you get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"
"I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."